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Monday, 27 April 2009

oh i wish that i could see

I woke up depressed this morning, I wanna feel better because I'm not sure what I'm sad about.
So I'm just downloading music before I go to school.. I don't wanna go, but I can't miss 3 days of school.
I still didn't finish my homework, maybe that's what sucks?
I hate feeling low because I think of everyone else that have worse problems than my hormones & I
My sister was drunk driving with her friend on Saturday & drove into a pole on Albert Street, but she's ok. Her car is beat up though. One of the tires is off of the rim.
She was calling herself dumb, but I told her she's just careless.
She told me to never be like her.
There's one easy way to be like her and that is to drink like she does.
Drink.. Alcohol.. I feel like I am semi-addicted to alcohol just because when I know my mom has whiskey, I want to make myself a drink, like now.

I wanna stab Laliberty. Well, okay, not stab.. I would just like erase him from my life. Every time I think about us having sex, I think, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" and if I'm alone, I have a reflex to hit myself in the head, not hard though, cause I catch myself in time...
Sometimes it feels like I'd be able to deal with it easier if Tony broke up with me after it happened. Then some kind of justice would be served for him. I'd get what I deserve, instead of getting what I want. Right now I just feel like... I don't know what to call myself for doing that with Laliberty and still having a boyfriend... I feel like a douche, even though I never use that word. I feel like it's unfair. I wish I never drank and did so many pills that night, I wish we didn't go to Andrew's. If we stayed here, it wouldn't have happened...

I feel like I am smart. I just compare my intelligence to others. I compare how fast they can learn to my own learning speed, and that makes me feel stupid since I smoke pot, and I pop pills, so obviously I am a slower learner than my sober peers. I should just stop comparing already. Sometimes I feel like I should put my life on hold, and just focus on getting an education. That's whenever I think about my interest in science. Like the science of humans, of space, of nature.. I really do like science, I guess I just suck in school cause some things I don't understand completely while others do, and I don't put the class on hold just so I can learn it.. maybe I should. Well I don't have science classes anymore anyway.. I wanted to make school easier for me to graduate, so I took a lot of art classes.

All I have are dreams. Dreams of being a musician.
Lmao I was just singing the lyrics to this song, the real lyric is "Wear me like a nickel," and I said, "Wear me like a nipple" by accident. WTF? Too much pills, can't speak properly! lol

Maybe I'm depressed cause Tony is depressed and I wish I could make him feel better but I don't know how, I guess. I can't seem to make him believe that he doesn't have to worry about his dad. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he should worry about his dad. I just tell him not to cause I don't think it's right for Tony to have to worry about his dad's problems. His dad got himself into that stuff, and he is an adult, so he should be able to get himself out, but Tony says his dad's too depressed and will probably kill himself soon and leave a lot of debt for Tony. If he isn't committing suicide, he will just have a heart attack anyway. I guess his dad wants to leave something behind for Tony, something good but he has debt problems. Tony's worried... to the point where he can't sleep, perhaps? He said he didn't get to sleep til 2am last night. I don't like to hear those kinda things cause it makes me feel like I shoulda been awake for him. But I try to sleep so that I'm not super tired in the morning..

I don't understand my relationship with Tony sometimes.
Some days I adore him, and we're all chill, on the same level.. living in the world of just us. No issues, just living life, just relaxing. No cares. But then he starts to care, he starts to think about his dad, and he hates being around his dad but he feels like he has to help his dad... and I tell him he doesn't have to, he's got a life of his own, and then he wonders what he is even doing with his life... I tell him he's doing just fine, time will tell, he can't have a house right away, he can't have a dog right away, he can't have everything he'd like to have right away... shit takes time. Time changes things quickly, doesn't he see that? Does he just get caught up in every moment and lose himself, forgetting that tomorrow is another chance? The sun rises again, sometimes it doesn't shine, but it will always rise... I just want to help Tony, but there's an age difference here. He's out of school, I'm trying to finish school. This means he is trying to become an adult, while I am still just a teenager. He wants to work and make a life for himself, built from his very own hands. He is struggling to let go of drug habits, to become more responsible. That doesn't sit well with me, a teenager. Picture me sitting next to some cleanliness, some responsibility, somebody looking in a different direction than me. Different head on this boy's shoulders. I just wanna have fun, don't I? I just wanna say "c'mon, let's be dumb while we can!" but Tony says, "I'd rather help my dad." lol.... it's not really funny. I wish I had more friends. Or do I? then I wouldn't be with Tony so much... spending too much time with your boyfriend isn't alright. I spent 4 days straight with my boyfriend. The beginning was delicious, the ending was rotten. He's got a friend, and I'm sure every time his name is mentioned, I think of pills, I think of a dim lit room, I think of a robot that is programmed to do what makes a guy feel good. I think of this robot coming across an error... The error of a limp dick. The robot searches for a hard dick, 1 result found. The robot performs the correct actions on this hard dick, task complete. Hard dick cleans itself of any viruses, and shuts down. Robot cleans itself and plays back music.

I describe that horrible scene as if I were a robot because no feelings were involved...
I feel like buying pills.
I feel like telling my sister, "Hey, forget our deal. That deal where if you popped pills, you owed me fifty bucks. Let's just go and do pills right now!"

Anyway, too much time with one person is bound to get on your nerves. No time to think about yourself cause you're always minding the other. I wasn't really getting annoyed with Tony, I must have separation anxiety. Where are you going? What are you doing? Having more fun than I? Might not see you for quite awhile? That sucks. I can deal. Don't worry, I just have separation anxiety. lol. Only with Tony though. I like to be around Tony all the time, even if he does consume my mind after awhile, I still don't like to see him go.

Friday, 17 April 2009

times new roman font size 2

I write long blogs...

I dislike how much time I waste doing things that don't benefit me, so I'm going to try to only write for a half hour.. then I'll shower, and start working on my Art project. Tony brought me to Wal-Mart yesterday and I got some clothing materials, so I just have to think up an outfit and make it. A mini outfit.

On Monday, Tony & I went to Blockbuster and spent a long time there, looking for a movie. He bought Death Race and we curled up on the couch together and watched it. He's cute because he wanted to do that with me. Andrew wanted to watch a movie with us too, but Tony is getting fed up with Andrew coming to chill with us without inviting his girlfriend, so he just told Andrew to ask Kaitlyn if she wanted to go see a movie the next day cause he wanted to watch a movie with just me :)

Tuesday wasn't that great.. Except for the part where I switched my bedroom furniture around. It took me like two hours, then I showered and we picked out a movie to go see and went to Andrew's, then we picked up Kaitlyn, and thennn went to the Galaxy but the place was packed. So we went to Southland and the girl behind the counter was weird because she kept repeating the movies that were playing even though Tony said he didn't want to be told them again.. She kept recommending He's Not That Into You, so I just said yeah we'll go see that. But the movie sucked. Too many corny speeches about dating. Waste of our time. And when it looked like the credits were going to come on, the 4 of us got up right away and started walking out, but they were just playing more scenes, haha it was kinda funny how we just wanted to leave. Kaitlyn and I didn't talk really, I don't know how to make small talk, it makes me feel awkward...but she did laugh at some things I said, so I don't think she dislikes me.. I remember walking with her and Tiffany the first night we met, and we talked more that day because we were on E. I wonder if she remembered that too, and felt sad, because Tiffany is gone now? :(

We didn't hang out with them after the movie, we went to 2-4-1 Pizza, then we went home.
Wednesday was just a chill day.. I didn't talk a lot, or laugh much. Darby took me to the eye doctor so that I could get my contacts fitted. I have dark circles under my eyes which really bothers me, so I'm trying to get rid of them... After that, we got Dairy Queen, went to her bank, and went home. I think the reason for me being so quiet that day was because somebody was on my mind and I didn't want to think about them. They just kept appearing in my dreams, playing dumb roles concerning sexuality. Sometimes my dreams have a big impact on me so that they linger in my brain when I wake up and effect my mood that day. It's been rainy this week too, so the dim lighting in my house doesn't make me much happier. I just got high with Andrew, the Andrew that lives here and relaxed that day. The person that kept appearing in my dreams for the first half of this week was Andrew Laliberty so from this point on, we will call him Laliberty so that I don't confuse my reader. I swear I don't want to be with Laliberty, I just have a problem with what we did. I think it'll be an issue with me for a long time, until I commit some other act of senseless sexuality that I cannot speak of. Sometimes I get tempted to tell someone, like my sister, or my mom. But I don't want to hear their opinions... well, actually, I do, why else would I want to tell them? I need someone else's opinion. But like many other issues in my life, I don't think people will understand so I'll just keep it to myself. Even though not even I understand all my issues.

He doesn't appear in my dreams anymore. At least, not last night or the night before.. the night before last night, I had a weird dream about... being in school. And being in a classroom, and trying to do some schoolwork. I was eavesdropping on the teacher because she was teaching somebody how to do math. I was writing down what she was saying. When she came to help me, she told me I was writing it down all wrong, and to erase it all, and something made her call me a liar. I got pissed off because she wasn't teaching me anything, and stood up and called her a bitch and I wanted her to send me down to the office so that I could tell them it was her that called me a liar, she was in the wrong. I left, and I was tearing up as I was walking down the hallway. I remember that the school I was in was Glovertown Academy, but none of my newfie peers were in the dream, just people from Regina. People that I don't talk to but that I have went to school with. Anyway, I was beginning to cry so I didn't want to look at anybody, I wanted to just breathe and stop crying. I went to the lobby and asked which bus I had to take home, and this MacKenzie girl from Johnson said that the bus driver would just take me straight home if I asked, then she said she'd give me a ride when she got back, so I was confused. Then the buses were here, and everybody walked down the hallway to the other doors, and I followed cause I wanted to ask her if she was giving me a ride or if I should take the bus. When we got outside, we were getting attacked by Aliens. The authorities were around and I hid in the bushes with some people. I was trying to text my mom to tell her where I was and that I loved her. I was also trying to text Tony to tell him that I loved him too, but it was hard, like my hands were shaking a lot and I was in a hurry cause I also had to look out for aliens. I was telling him to look on the news or something. Somehow the authorities were defeating the aliens, and I was following teh authorities to some safe place. Then it was like I was part of the authorities and we went up in this tower thing.. We were in compartments, as if it was an amusement park ride, going up on this tower, while avoiding attacks from aliens.. and I could see how destroyed the city was, but we were all going to be ok, but I was still stressing the whole time about talking to Tony to tell him I loved him. The whole atmosphere of the dream was depressed and desperate. By atmosphere, I mean mood.

And I can only remember this part clearly from last night's dream.
I was with a girl, I might have been supposed to watch her. She was a young girl, younger than myself. We were on top of a hill with snow on it, and walking too close to the edge. She slid down the hill, or was it me? Well I think I slid after her. There was water at the bottom though, and she fell into it, or was it me??? I just remember watching her struggle. I didn't want to help her until I was sure she couldn't do it herself, until she got the message that she should have listened to me and not went to the edge. Something like that. Then I jumped in and helped her get out and got myself out. I think that we were supposed to be avoiding some people the whole time.
all I can really remember about the dream is that we were outdoors in some snowy place, it was night so everything had a blue tint.

Yesterday Tony and I went to the art gallery :) We watched projections, they were cool. They also have some nice photography books.
The night before that, I must have wanted to tell him I loved him so bad in my dream because before I went to sleep, he wanted to talk about love. He asked me what it was to me, and how I showed I cared, and somewhere along the way I got it twisted and starting talking about me being self conscious around other people. He thought that was gay. I didn't think it was that gay, cause he asked why it was hard for me to show I cared, so I had to tell him about my past with people and tell him that I mostly isolate myself from people so it's not easy to care about others, and that I'm self-conscious. But yeah, I was burnt out the whole time which bothered him too.

I hate the smell of bleach. Just had to say that.
I'm gonna go now, this has taken me an hour. Damnit. lol.
Another thing to say damnit about is that I work tonight.
But! I get paid! Yippee! Probably like, 100 dollars again lol. Oh wellll. It's money. And responsibility is good.

Oh yeah!
Bradley's dog Gin is staying here, she's a pitbull, and she's dominant with Shady, she's so much bigger than him. But Shady's learning how to be aggressive and fight back. It's funny, actually lol. He's such a wimp! He hides under the coffee table and barks at her in an annoyingly whiny way. It was funny last night cause she was running around the basement for no reason, maybe getting some exercise, and then Shady started chasing her so they were both just running around the basement really fast lol. She's faster than him though, he was like growling and trying to bite her leg but he's too slow lol.

Monday, 13 April 2009

hi therapist

I'm still alright from last week's stress, what stress was that again? Oh yeah, getting drunk.. I tried talking to Tony's cousin over facebook (since that's the only way I know how to contact her) and I asked her for my jacket, or my twenty dollars, or just some money to pay for it.. and I asked nicely. But I don't know, she has no respect and didn't really care so eventually I just told her to not worry about it, I was intoxicated so it was my problem I guess, and she obviously didn't care about it so I wouldn't try to make her care. Then she texted Tony and said I was being all uppity, and I looked up the defintion lol and it said snobbish. She thought I was a snob when she first met me too, said Tony. She's dumb. We're not gonna talk to her for a long time, there's no point. She only calls Tony when she's bored and when she wants a ride somewhere.

On Thursday night, I ate mushrooms with Tony & Andrew. It was funnyyy, as mushroom trips usually are. I get weird vibes from Andrew, when I'm sober, and on shrooms. I wish he was just a normal best friend that didn't make you feel like he was always ready to hit on you. He thinks he's hot shit lol. He should be one of those guys that are laidback about their appearance, like Lyndon's best friend Jason was. Lyndon and Jason didn't seem to care that much if I didn't talk around them, in fact, lol, whenever I did try to say somethin, they ignored me. Hahaa. Things were just easier as a pre-teen, there wasn't a whole of understanding of what life was really like. We just wanted to get high. Every day! Skip school together, and get high, that's it. I did get sick of it, but I didn't wanna get left out. I still got that same issue of getting left out. But since I am getting older, I'm trying to just not really care. Like last Sunday, Darby, her Andrew, Tony's Andrew, and Tony, all did shrooms and I had to work that night til 10. So I texted Tony and told him it was laaamee that they did that, and I couldn't, cause I had homework and work, and they didn't have any responsibilities. And they did them here, at my house, so when I got home, Tony came upstairs to chill with me I guess, but I was like, Yeah, well, it's alright, you can just go hang out with them, cause you're on shrooms and stuff, and I got homework. He was a little bummed out, but he did it. And I listened to my iPod and did my homework and cooled off. I went down there for a smoke break, and they were just watching Madagascar 2, & Tony came upstairs to sit with me while I finished my homework. I need to work on my maturity lol. Well, I really just need to work on listening to my brain more than listening to my heart. Actually, I don't know which is more honest, or smart. I think my heart gives me lame immature feelings, so my brain has got to talk to my heart and be like, "Yo, Heart! You aren't helping Jamie make the right choices! You & I gotta collaborate, and make her think with her brain!"

Anyway!! What was I talking about again? oh yeah. What life was like when I was stoned all the time, when my boyfriend's best friend didn't think he was hot shit, lol. It's not important. I gotta face my age and grow up, specially if I'm dating an 18 year old, he's gonna want me to get rid of my old pre-teen habits. He's so down-to-earth, doesn't hold back when there's a problem, we talk & work it out. Make a mutual agreement. I never, ever realized how stubborn I was til I started dating him. He doesn't play games, he's just, straight up. It's good, it just means that I often make mistakes, and act immaturely, but I learn! I grow.

I need to make a school a priority. I don't give my all, I just try to give them a little something to mark me on, I try to meet their requirements. I need to work on my attendance, I'm always late for first period, and fourth. I also gotta catch up on my 1st period in-class work. It's kinda funny because.. I spent so much time working on my interactive greeting card that I didn't get to do the 3 worksheets for Chapter 4. And I missed some classes, so I didn't get a chance to even get the sheets, but I went to the test, and got 74%, without actually doing the unit. lol. I even guessed on the last half of questions since they were all multiple choice. I didn't find out about the worksheets until the day before spring break. Shitty for me! My fault. I gotta work on Art homework and W.I.T. homework this break.

Today, mom's taking me to go look for a car!! YAY! Then I'll practice driving and go for my license, and I'll be all set for spring & summer. FUCK YES!

Yesterday marked 5months for Tony & I :) Time just slips through mah fingers!
Winter was fucked up. I enjoyed it, but I should have stayed away from pills. I experienced some weird shit. Some good stuff, some bad stuff. I quit for a good 6 weeks, then started again. Bradley said that I didn't really quit since I started again, but he was talking about cigarettes. Well I like to think I quit lol. Right now I'm at 3 weeks. I try to quit cigs, but they got me hooked. I don't like to smoke them all the time, I just like to have a couple drags when Tony smokes. If he quit, then I'd quit for good, cause when my family smokes, there's not as much temptation as there is when I'm with Tony.

Anyway, Winter of 2008 was the strangest one yet. Lots of partying at my house. Lots of pill popping and drinking. I didn't get drunk out of my face until last week though, how lame. I guess it was cause I knew how much to give myself, but last week Sarah & her mom were making my drinks way too strong, plus it was mixed with Red Bull.

Tony made a good point about Andrew. He said he doesn't know why Andrew doesn't hang out with his own girlfriend more. Or invite her to hang out with us. He hangs out with us when he could hang out with her, I'm sure. He went swimming with Tony, Darby & I on Saturday, couldn't he have hung out with her? Then we played pool later. He's more quiet when we're not hanging out with my sister. I dont' know why, shouldn't he like, talk a lot to Tony since they've been bros forever? He flirts with my sister too. He tends to just say things for the hell of saying them, to make him look good. I don't know him that well, but I have good analytical skills, I think. And I'm pretty sure he has bad intentions. Tony always says he only cares about himself, he doesn't care for other people's feelings. He just cares about money, and himself, and cars, and pussy. I can tell that when he says something that's supposed to mean well.. he doesn't really mean it, he's just fuckin sayin it to get something he wants or something. to avoid an issue?

I guess Tony told him to talk to me about what happened that night. Andrew doesn't talk to me about anything that I really care about. We sat in teh backseat alone and he talked about this guy's pitbulls that we just seen, bout how smart they were, they go straight for your neck. Me, I was just like, "Yea, that's scarrryy." I was gonna be like, "I got bit by german sheppard once" but I don't feel comfortable with small talk, so I held it back. I doubt he'll ever bring up that night, what's he supposed to say about it? The more I think about the kinda guy he is.. the more I really hate my actions that night. He's probably in his glory. He's jealous of Tony, he probably thought I'd break up with Tony after doing shit with him, since he thinks he's the shit.. I gave in to it, so stupid of me. I hate when I do that, when I let guys get a peice of me.. I said I'd never do it again, but, lo & behold, I did it again cause it was portrayed in a different way.

I gotta just let go of everything. I gotta just... listen to my head, and when it comes to feeling self-conscious around people, while I'm in the moment I should tell myself to stop holding back, and I should say something silly or do something weird, and not care about it. Then just continue with that behavior until I feel like I don't care anymore.

Tony took me out for supper yesterday :) Well, before we even realized that it was our 5-months, we drove to Tim Horton's for breakfast & coffee. Then we drove to Douglas Hill to eat it, and then we went for a walk around there. It was warm out :) the significance of Douglas Hill is that we were chilling out there the night he asked me out. He asked me, "What are we?" referring to me & him, and we talked about like, friends with benefits.. but then when he dropped me off, I became his girlfriend :) anywayyy, back to yesterday.. we came back here, and played some Wii. Then we went to the doctor cause I needed more B.C. which is when I noticed their little calendar and said, "Hey we've been going out for 5 months today!" Oh yeah, on our way to the doctor, we got rear-ended by a van. I've never been in so many accidents before lol. We haven't been in a whole lot, but the only time I was ever in car accident before meeting him was with Darby & Jeff. So yeah. It was a little rainy out, and the light turned red, and we slided a little but we were good. Then I looked in the mirror, and seen the van coming and I was waiting for it to stop, but then-- BOOM! it hit us. We were okay, my head hurt slightly in the back, and his neck kinda hurt but I think we're all good.

The first time I got rear-ended with him was by a guy delivering Domino's pizza, it was just a little bump.

Ok I should go make a CD for my mom. PEACEEEE!

Thursday, 09 April 2009

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Wednesday, 08 April 2009

i am alright!

I guess I should mention that I feel all better now!
Maybe all I needed was a breath of fresh air?
Or maybe all I needed was reassurance from Tony...
I think the latter is it. He was on facebook so I started talking to him, & expressed my low self-esteem. I told him how I thought I didn't do anything good for him, but he told me that he has faith in me and he knows I learn from my mistakes. I was still calling myself down & felt like I was under a lot of stress, but, I reminded myself that others have worse lives.. worse things going on.. and I can learn from mistakes. Maybe I can't take things back in life, and maybe I can't fix it all at one time, I have to wait. I have to wait and prove myself.

No drinking for me. It's kinda tempting, but I'm not going to drink unless Tony says it's ok. I'm not letting him control me, I just think he knows what's best for me. I'm quitting cigarettes again too, cigarettes are so tempting.. it's hard to quit! But I haven't smoked all day. So. It's a start. I bet I can do it this time, I bet I can just completely quit, without starting up again. I bet I can! How much do I bet myself? Hmm.. if I start smoking again, then... I have to go buy a pack for Darby and my mom. Yes. Sounds alright. If I smoke again, I must buy my family a pack. Somehow that seems fair.

I'm supposed to be doing homework! Darn it!
I keep saying I'll try to be a better student, buuut... this isn't helping. This whole, me-on-the-laptop... it's not working out. I gotta go! goodbye! WAIT! I just gotta saaay thaat... I love Tony! I love him, I do, I do, he's too amazing for me, I'm so lucky to have him, we're so awesome together, I wanna be the best I can be, for him, for myself, and yeah sure, for my family. hah. But he motivates me. He pushes me in the right direction, at least he tries to... I'm a stubborn one. But I'd much rather be with him, he's making me stronger, and just, he makes me happy, I love him.